thinking out loud

I absolutely love being with my friends. They all mean the world to me. i honestly think that our group of friends is the greatest. i think that we all have the best relationships. we all seem to get each other very well, we all care about each other so much. I knew the weekend would be fun regardless, mainly because we try our best to never complain and always make the best out of every situation. I think my favorite night was Saturday night when we all went to the boardwalk to ride go-carts and the roller coaster then to waste money on stupid carnival games. What could be more fun than spending time laughing with your friends?? Of course it would have been 10 times more fun if more people we able to come, but they couldn't and they were definitely there in spirit. Well, I'm not going to bore you with every detail of our trip we drank, went to the beach, ate food, played games... we had fun TOGETHER which is the most important.

I'm heading off to japan in a little more than one week. Right now i'm extremely stressed out. My house is a mess, after only a week ago it was perfectly spotless! but, thats what happens when you have house guests. Andrea came last week and we had the best time ever, lauren and i slightly corrupted her and it was amazing! Well, I just got back home from new jersey and it looks like my house exploded, I'm exhausted and in no mood to clean, but i'm going to have to try because for the next three days i will be in syracuse for work. After that its the weekend and i have to go out with lacy since she is moving away, clean, pack and then finish up some more work and i'm off to japan. Do you see what i mean when i say i'm extremely stressed out?? its only monday and i feel like the week is going by way to fast. As a matter of fact i have felt like that for the past few weeks. I've been so busy, time is just going by too fast for me to get any kind of grasp on it. I'm working hard to get everything settled for japan, get all my questions answered before i leave and make sure that i am fully prepared for the trip. I'm trying to figure out a way to pack the least amount of things possible so that i have plenty of room to take some stuff home with me. And besides all of that, i think sitting in this mess is enough to get me stressed out without all of the extra stuff added onto my life right now. maybe i should clean..... OR i could just lay down and relax since i know that won't be happening again for a while and deal with it later.

So, lately i've been thinking a lot about depression and how it affects people. I used to think that I was depressed, maybe i was and i was able to get over it, or maybe i was just sad a lot. I don't know how to tell the difference, it could have also been all of the different substances i was always on, but who knows. I feel like for a long time I was very unhappy with my life. I was uncomfortable in my own body and i was constantly trying to escape my life and reality, because i simply didn't like it. I didn't feel that i really had anything to live towards and i always felt like the world was against me. It seemed that the people in my life could have cared less because they weren't putting in the effort enough. it felt like nobody cared and all i wanted was for someone to. After going away to college my life changed dramatically. I'm still in awe at the person i've become, because i can see how much i've changed and grown since then. I try to understand how it all started and how my whole mindset and outlook on life changed. Because i don't necessarily think that it was my life that changed, it was me. I was able to overcome the negative thinking that i always used to do. I was able to overcome my insecurities and realize that those things really didn't matter. I'm not saying i'm always happy, but i'm also not always sad, and the most important thing is that when i am depressed or stressed or anxious, i know that it will eventually go away. I know that the smallest thing can change my mood at any given moment, its just a matter of dealing with it now and moving on with my life. I try to make the best out of any situation and always have a positive outlook no matter what. i don't worry about what other people are thinking and i don't worry what my friends if my friends care about me, because i know that they do. I have faith in that and to me thats good enough. No one really calls me, so i call them. No one really visits me, so i visit them. if i'm bored, then i go do something. if i'm sad, i'll do something that i know will make me happy. if i'm stressed, i sit down and find a way to de-stress. it takes effort to make your life okay, you just have to be willing to put in that effort. There is really no point in blaming other people for why your life the way it is because in reality you made your life this way and only you can change it.

So i guess the big question is how did this all happen? How did i suddenly become a different person?? can i tell you about me 5 years ago? Can i tell you that if i was bored i would continue to sit and be bored and probably then get depressed that i had nothing to do. it i was stressed i would cry and then get depressed about being stressed out. if i was sad, i would sit by myself and be depressed about no one making me happy. if my friends didn't call to hang out i would get depressed that none of them cared. I was shy, insecure, close minded, naive... i had no idea about anything and then one day i drastically changed. i don't know how it happened or why, but i'm definitely happier now. i'm content with my life and i know that things will be great. I know that even though this past year wasn't the best, doesn't mean the next year won't be. I know that if my friends don't call me or come to visit doesn't mean they don't care, it simply means they're lazy, so instead i'll call and visit them. I know that i am in control of my life and i can do whatever it is to make myself happy.

So now the question is what happens when the people you care about are depressed. Is there really anything you can do? I know that there probably wasn't anything anyone could do for me. I had to change for myself. I love my friends and my family more than anything else in the world, but its so hard to be around the negativity. Its hard to sit there with someone when all they have to do is complain about everything. Its hard to try and be there for someone and help someone when i know it will get no where. Its also hard to just let go of it all and realize that if they really want to change they will. It breaks my heart to see people that way and it breaks my heart to not be able to do anything about it. How can i change them? how can i get them to see that life really can be great if you want it to, that if you put the effort in you can do anything? How can i still be around them and be happy to spend time with someone, when deep down I really just don't want to. I care, but sometimes I just want it to go away. I hate feeling that way, I hate thinking that way, but i just can't help it. I guess there really is nothing left to do, but continue on with my life and concentrate on making myself happy.