too much to think about....

In 66 days i will be in Japan. I couldn't be more excited. I've been wanting to travel for so long now and i'm finally getting that chance. Lately i've been thinking about my friends and all the things that they are doing and all the places that have been going to. I always try not to regret anything in life, because i know that everything happens for a reason and i truly do believe in fate. But sometimes its hard to look back and realize the things that I gave up. All the chances i've had to travel that I simply let pass me by.

When i first came to college, i told myself I was going to study abroad. i wanted to go to Australia. I wanted to study there for a semester and travel all over the lands. However, due to other circumstances, roommates and boyfriends and signing leases for apartments i never got to go. Maybe i didn't try hard enough, maybe deep down i was too scared, who knows. Then when i saved up enough money to backpack through europe for a month, i somehow spent every penny a few months before i went. i blew my chance to go that summer on having fun for a month over winter break. Sometimes I wish I had just done the things i wanted to when i wanted to, but life kept getting in the way.

I'm not saying its completely a loss, because I had an amazing time in college every semester i was there and i made some amazing friends. When i look back now, there isn't any semester that i would wanted to have given up for anything because of the wonderful memories that I made. And as for backpacking through europe that summer? well if i did that I wouldn't have went on one million interviews and been a master at interviewing, I may not have even landed the job with Kraft. I wouldn't have worked at boscovs, I wouldn't have met jess, and I wouldn't have spent so much time with lacy everyday and had so much fun. None of that would have happened. And while I do realize that this past summer wasn't the best, there were a lot of hard times and difficult times. It was all worth it to me now. Maybe giving up those things gave me the life I have now, which is simply amazing. And I still do have those chances to travel, i'm only 22 and i have my entire life ahead of me, its just hard watching everyone else do the things i've always wanted to do as well.

On another note, I was reading my friends blog and she was discussing American values compared to those in Vietnam and Thailand. How the media has such an influence on our lives. How over there, they live in the present and worry only about today rather than tomorrow. Why am i so obsessed with the future? why am I constantly wondering how i can save up money for later? why am i always thinking about how my life will be years down the road? why do i dream of a wedding when i don't even have a boyfriend? why am i planning what my house will look like later when i have a house all to myself right now? WHY am i always so concentrated on the future and what I want to do and how I want to live and where and whatever else i'm constantly thinking of??? What makes me think this way. Maybe its because when I jogging through my neighborhood i'm surrounding by perfect houses with white picket fences. Maybe its because i'm always watching tv and seeing a life that i will never live because its fake. Maybe its because there are simply too many things in life that i desire that don't really need. Maybe i need to concentrate on what i do have right now and simply be happy with it. I'm not saying that I'm not happy with my life right now, because i am, i'm VERY happy. But, i'm always thinking of how to make my life better. i'm always thinking about what i can do now to have a better future. Is this important in life? Do we need to concentrate so much on the future? Or should we be living in the present and not worry about it? Is there any balance to it all? and most of all, why am i even trying to plan for a future when its impossible to know what the future entails? Things always change and nothing ever works out the way you expect it to, so then why plan? why worry? why think about the future when the future you have in mind may end up completely opposite from what you expect?????

i think too much and sometimes things get to me. I feel like i need some kind of reasoning to it all and i don't know where to get it from.. Or maybe, just maybe i'm bored because all i do is work and i miss my friends. Maybe there is a simple solution to it all and thats getting out more, because the weather is nice and the winter is over and its time to get out and do something more exciting with my life. Maybe i'm just a little on the crazy side today, but hey thats happens to the best of us. ok. Good night.

Lessons in Love

I never believed in love at first sight. Especially in this day in age I find it impossible to meet someone, fall in love and boom get married. There are just so many other factors that come into play. Do you have the same interests? Do you want the same things in life? What annoys you? What doesnt? What are your values? Are you someone willing to sacrifice everything for love? And most of all.. will you still get along, will you still be in love after the honeymoon stage is over? These things take time to learn about one another. And things change. Time changes you, people change you, life experiences change you. I've always said that I would wait no less than 3 years at the least before even thinking about getting married. I always said that I wanted to wait until I was older before I got married.

On a drive down to a meeting my boss and I were chatting away I was telling her about my dreams to get married and have the perfect wedding. I told her that I wanted to wait at least 4-5 years after being with someone before getting married. Then I was shocked when she told me that she me her husband in January, She lived in Buffalo, he lived in Vermont. By September they were married and living happily in Vermont... Its now 10 years later and they are still together, still happy, still married. I didn't think that type of love existed. I didn't think you could meet someone, fall in love and suddenly know that hes the one. Granted she was 44 when they met and he was already divorced with a son. So guess my question is, is it really possible to have that love at first sight feeling and just know? And if so, is it possible today, at our age to jump on the marriage train after only 9 months of knowing someone and live happily ever after? My boss was telling me that before she met her husband she had been living with a man for 16 years. 16 years!!!!!! She never had any intentions on getting married, it just wasn't what she wanted, but then she she fell in love and those plans change.

So many people fall in love and are willing to drop everything for that person. How is it so different after living with someone for 16 years not ever wanting to get married and then meeting someone and wanting to marry them after 3 weeks. They met in January and were engaged by February. How do you go from not wanting to get married especially to someone you've been with for 16 years.. to falling in love and wanting to get married after only 3 weeks. Maybe i'll never understand that because I haven't been in love like that. Maybe it takes a different kind of love. Maybe it takes 44 years to find that love. The only problem is I don't want to wait that long.

I want to have kids and I want to have a family more than anything. The only problem is, it takes time, a womens clock I guess you could say runs out a lot faster than a mans. Also, I want to be a younger mom, I want to have the energy to run around with my children while I can. So with that in mind, i don't want to wait until I'm 44 to find the love of my life. I guess you just can't ever really tell how your life will end up. When I try to think about it, I have it all planned out exactly how I want things to go. Exactly how I want my life to happen and in my head it all plays out just so nicely. I know thats just a fantasy and I know most likely that will never ever happen. But I guess its just fun to think about. its exciting to see where my life will go, who I will meet, where I will end up. I'll never know until its here, so I guess I'll just enjoy the ride while I can.

As for my thoughts on love at first sight, I guess i've learned that it is possible, but at 22 it might be a little impossible. I'm young and still learning and still changing a lot and I still don't know a lot about life, I guess at 44 you're a little more stuck in your ways and that type of love is possible to pick up everything and get married just like that. I don't know.... life is weird.

a weekend in plattsburgh

Before i start, i'd just like to say that i was reading my about me section and it says that "i'm a 23 year old girl..." i don't know if i'm aware of this, but i'm only 22. Why i wrote that, the world may never know.

Anyways i had a great weekend in plattsburgh. i truly miss that place. i miss the area i miss my friends, i just miss the entire atmosphere. i get such a nice feeling when i'm there, i feel like i'm at home. much more so than i do here. However, things are looking up spring is finally here and the weather is getting warming, the sun is shining and i'm looking forward to summer!! I don't really have too much to talk about today....