too much to think about....

In 66 days i will be in Japan. I couldn't be more excited. I've been wanting to travel for so long now and i'm finally getting that chance. Lately i've been thinking about my friends and all the things that they are doing and all the places that have been going to. I always try not to regret anything in life, because i know that everything happens for a reason and i truly do believe in fate. But sometimes its hard to look back and realize the things that I gave up. All the chances i've had to travel that I simply let pass me by.

When i first came to college, i told myself I was going to study abroad. i wanted to go to Australia. I wanted to study there for a semester and travel all over the lands. However, due to other circumstances, roommates and boyfriends and signing leases for apartments i never got to go. Maybe i didn't try hard enough, maybe deep down i was too scared, who knows. Then when i saved up enough money to backpack through europe for a month, i somehow spent every penny a few months before i went. i blew my chance to go that summer on having fun for a month over winter break. Sometimes I wish I had just done the things i wanted to when i wanted to, but life kept getting in the way.

I'm not saying its completely a loss, because I had an amazing time in college every semester i was there and i made some amazing friends. When i look back now, there isn't any semester that i would wanted to have given up for anything because of the wonderful memories that I made. And as for backpacking through europe that summer? well if i did that I wouldn't have went on one million interviews and been a master at interviewing, I may not have even landed the job with Kraft. I wouldn't have worked at boscovs, I wouldn't have met jess, and I wouldn't have spent so much time with lacy everyday and had so much fun. None of that would have happened. And while I do realize that this past summer wasn't the best, there were a lot of hard times and difficult times. It was all worth it to me now. Maybe giving up those things gave me the life I have now, which is simply amazing. And I still do have those chances to travel, i'm only 22 and i have my entire life ahead of me, its just hard watching everyone else do the things i've always wanted to do as well.

On another note, I was reading my friends blog and she was discussing American values compared to those in Vietnam and Thailand. How the media has such an influence on our lives. How over there, they live in the present and worry only about today rather than tomorrow. Why am i so obsessed with the future? why am I constantly wondering how i can save up money for later? why am i always thinking about how my life will be years down the road? why do i dream of a wedding when i don't even have a boyfriend? why am i planning what my house will look like later when i have a house all to myself right now? WHY am i always so concentrated on the future and what I want to do and how I want to live and where and whatever else i'm constantly thinking of??? What makes me think this way. Maybe its because when I jogging through my neighborhood i'm surrounding by perfect houses with white picket fences. Maybe its because i'm always watching tv and seeing a life that i will never live because its fake. Maybe its because there are simply too many things in life that i desire that don't really need. Maybe i need to concentrate on what i do have right now and simply be happy with it. I'm not saying that I'm not happy with my life right now, because i am, i'm VERY happy. But, i'm always thinking of how to make my life better. i'm always thinking about what i can do now to have a better future. Is this important in life? Do we need to concentrate so much on the future? Or should we be living in the present and not worry about it? Is there any balance to it all? and most of all, why am i even trying to plan for a future when its impossible to know what the future entails? Things always change and nothing ever works out the way you expect it to, so then why plan? why worry? why think about the future when the future you have in mind may end up completely opposite from what you expect?????

i think too much and sometimes things get to me. I feel like i need some kind of reasoning to it all and i don't know where to get it from.. Or maybe, just maybe i'm bored because all i do is work and i miss my friends. Maybe there is a simple solution to it all and thats getting out more, because the weather is nice and the winter is over and its time to get out and do something more exciting with my life. Maybe i'm just a little on the crazy side today, but hey thats happens to the best of us. ok. Good night.

Lessons in Love

I never believed in love at first sight. Especially in this day in age I find it impossible to meet someone, fall in love and boom get married. There are just so many other factors that come into play. Do you have the same interests? Do you want the same things in life? What annoys you? What doesnt? What are your values? Are you someone willing to sacrifice everything for love? And most of all.. will you still get along, will you still be in love after the honeymoon stage is over? These things take time to learn about one another. And things change. Time changes you, people change you, life experiences change you. I've always said that I would wait no less than 3 years at the least before even thinking about getting married. I always said that I wanted to wait until I was older before I got married.

On a drive down to a meeting my boss and I were chatting away I was telling her about my dreams to get married and have the perfect wedding. I told her that I wanted to wait at least 4-5 years after being with someone before getting married. Then I was shocked when she told me that she me her husband in January, She lived in Buffalo, he lived in Vermont. By September they were married and living happily in Vermont... Its now 10 years later and they are still together, still happy, still married. I didn't think that type of love existed. I didn't think you could meet someone, fall in love and suddenly know that hes the one. Granted she was 44 when they met and he was already divorced with a son. So guess my question is, is it really possible to have that love at first sight feeling and just know? And if so, is it possible today, at our age to jump on the marriage train after only 9 months of knowing someone and live happily ever after? My boss was telling me that before she met her husband she had been living with a man for 16 years. 16 years!!!!!! She never had any intentions on getting married, it just wasn't what she wanted, but then she she fell in love and those plans change.

So many people fall in love and are willing to drop everything for that person. How is it so different after living with someone for 16 years not ever wanting to get married and then meeting someone and wanting to marry them after 3 weeks. They met in January and were engaged by February. How do you go from not wanting to get married especially to someone you've been with for 16 years.. to falling in love and wanting to get married after only 3 weeks. Maybe i'll never understand that because I haven't been in love like that. Maybe it takes a different kind of love. Maybe it takes 44 years to find that love. The only problem is I don't want to wait that long.

I want to have kids and I want to have a family more than anything. The only problem is, it takes time, a womens clock I guess you could say runs out a lot faster than a mans. Also, I want to be a younger mom, I want to have the energy to run around with my children while I can. So with that in mind, i don't want to wait until I'm 44 to find the love of my life. I guess you just can't ever really tell how your life will end up. When I try to think about it, I have it all planned out exactly how I want things to go. Exactly how I want my life to happen and in my head it all plays out just so nicely. I know thats just a fantasy and I know most likely that will never ever happen. But I guess its just fun to think about. its exciting to see where my life will go, who I will meet, where I will end up. I'll never know until its here, so I guess I'll just enjoy the ride while I can.

As for my thoughts on love at first sight, I guess i've learned that it is possible, but at 22 it might be a little impossible. I'm young and still learning and still changing a lot and I still don't know a lot about life, I guess at 44 you're a little more stuck in your ways and that type of love is possible to pick up everything and get married just like that. I don't know.... life is weird.

a weekend in plattsburgh

Before i start, i'd just like to say that i was reading my about me section and it says that "i'm a 23 year old girl..." i don't know if i'm aware of this, but i'm only 22. Why i wrote that, the world may never know.

Anyways i had a great weekend in plattsburgh. i truly miss that place. i miss the area i miss my friends, i just miss the entire atmosphere. i get such a nice feeling when i'm there, i feel like i'm at home. much more so than i do here. However, things are looking up spring is finally here and the weather is getting warming, the sun is shining and i'm looking forward to summer!! I don't really have too much to talk about today....

Goals

I was reading through my journal and i came across my new years resolutions. I decided this year to write them down so that I can look back and remember what they were and make sure that i am living up to them. Instead of the usual eat healthy and go to the gym resolution (That i never follow) i decided on some new ones. A few resolutions this year, that I wanted to improve about myself and help myself to grow more. Here they are...
I want to not judge others and most importantly not worry if they are judging me
I want to really be there for my friends and accept them the way they are
I want to do something good and help out somehow.

So how am i doing you ask? I'd say very well as of right now. Its been three months and I feel much more at ease with life. I'm not in school anymore and I don't have to worry about what everyone thinks of me and I've also realized that it really doesn't matter what they think. Regardless, its my life and i'm going to do what i want with it. I have been doing the things that I enjoy, I've been taking risks and stepping outside of my box just a bit. I'm thinking this summer I'd really like to take a weekend and go on vacation by myself. Yes, thats right by my self. I feel like it could be very relaxing and enjoyable. I love having company and I love spending time with my friends and going on crazy trips and adventures, but i think i'd really enjoy just doing something on my own like that. Being independent and not needing the company of others.

I'm beginning to see who my true friends are. That was really what I wanted to do. I wanted to be there for my friends and really accept everyone for who they are. I didn't want to judge someone for anything. I've learned that I don't need the approval of others and sometimes, friends grow apart or they just realize that it wasn't meant to be. i can't get everyone to like me and i'm not going to get along with everyone as well. I'm not going to put myself in a situation where someone can walk all over me or disrespect me, its just not worth it. I need to let go of the past and let go of what those friendships were and realize what they are now. I'm not saying i completely bury the past, but i just moved on.

Lastly I want to do something good and help other people. I joined a mentoring program called big brothers big sisters. I have a little sister names Corey and her and I just starting to get to know each other. I don't know if i'll have this huge impact on her life or anything, i just hope that she will enjoy the time we spend together and it can maybe give her something in her life that she might be missing. I also think I might volunteer this summer and help out somehow. Once I get out of this cold weather, i'll be much more motivated to get out and do things.

Well, I think, three months in and i've been living up to my resolutions pretty well. Its coming close to a year since I graduated from college. It has definitely been an interesting year and a crazy one, but I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. I'm doing well, looking forward to summer and enjoying my life.

Looking towards the future, I'm trying to do the best that I can and succeed at my job. I want to impress people and show that I have what it takes and can take on anything. I am in the process of joining a club called "toastmasters" Its a nation wide club designed to help people improve their public speaking and communications skills as a whole. It meets twice a month and at each meeting a few people give a prepared speech and we do an activity called table topics (That is where you are given a random topic or question anything from lamps to relationships and you have to speak about it for two minutes). Table topics are good because they help you to think on your feet and be able to talk about anything, which is good for me because my job is to mainly talk to people about whatever they want to talk about! There are also contests that you can participate in and win prizes at regional and national levels. So, those are my goals for now. Improve my communications skills and go out and sell lots of products.

I have a ton of books I've been wanting to read and they are starting to pile up, another goal I have to to read those books and stop watching so much tv its evaporating my brain!!! okay, thats all for now.

crazy

I've had a crazy week. I finally got to sit down and relax for the first time since monday, except not for long, because i now have some crazy cleaning to do this weekend! Things are looking up as of this week. I found that i'm much more calm and okay with things when they are hectic and busy. When i have a million things to do and not enough time to do them in, i feel much more at ease with life. Maybe thats because I feel like i have some kind of purpose to this all and i'm not just wasting away. Well its snowing out like crazy and i plan on laying on the couch and simply vegging out all night long. It would be nice however, to have someone to veg out with. Oh well.

So, like i said things are looking up. I have a feeling that the next few months are going to fly by. I'll be super busy with food shows every week and starting to do ride withs with the sales men. I have the wedding in may, then wildwood in june and JAPAN in July and then FINALLY summer!!! I've never looked more forward to summer in my entire life. Mainly because this will be the first summer that I'm not working every single day all day and never have time to do anything. I plan on going to the beach as much as possible, going up to my moms camp a few weekends, and going out in saratoga alll the time! I'll be able to, for the first time actually enjoy the summer and not have to worry about saving money for the school year.

I have a feeling that by this time next year i will be much more at ease with my life. Right now things are confusing, I don't know which way is up and i'm alway axious about something. However, i'm starting to settle in. I'm starting to relax and realize that i don't need to take certain things so seriously. i don't need to rush my life, i need to sit back and enjoy it at much as possible. i feel like i'm always in a rush for something and i don't know how to just slow down and enjoy the things around me. i mean, i'm young i should enjoy being young before its gone and i'm wondering where it went. to be honest, i don't even know what i'm in a rush for. I just always have that feeling of waiting and hoping that something will come fast.

With that said, I'm going to sit back and enjoy my first night off in a while and relax and enjoy the simple things in life. Like vegging out on the couch!

Life's Roller Coaster

After reading a friends blog about her journey living in japan and the challenges shes facing. It got me to thinking about life and the constant roller coaster we are always on. She was going over the challenges to everyday life and it made me realize that even though we are both in an entirely different situation we are going through a lot of the same challenges. She is struggling with the language barrier and trying to understand everyone. In the business world, little did I know that they have their own language as well, with terminology that I simply do not understand and have to have my boss translate everything to me. It's a constant struggle to learn, remember, and be able to use and understand things about business that I simply did not learn in school.

She also talks about building new relationships. She said that the people in Japan don't know her as she was back home and the people back home don't know her as she is in Japan. I think this is common for everyone leaving college and entering into the real world. It is time to grow up and act more mature, but at the same time I just want to let loose and go crazy every now and then. I've been getting close to my boss, talking about everything from friends, to boys, to work, vacations. But sometimes I wonder, where do I cross the line? I've had the problem of being way too honest for my own good. I simply can't lie and if I do, I promise I will tell you that I lied to you shortly after. I just want everyone to know the real me without any boundaries, but I guess in some situations with some people you have to put up a shield and they don't necessarily need to know everything about you. They can simply know the you now, and the you as you continue to grow from here on out.

The last thing I wanted to talk about is Life's Roller coaster. My friend was explaining that her decision to stay another year in Japan was tough, because while most days she loves it. There are just others days when she can't stand it. A really bad day will turn out good by simple little things. I find this in my life all the time. And looking back, it's not just now, it's always been that way. I've had so many experiences where I just felt like I couldn't take it anymore. From people being rude to me, getting lost on the road for hours, nothing going right. I wanted to scream and cry and just quit right then and there. And then, in an instant I had one great account. The person was nice and actually needed my help, he was so shocked that I just showed up he wasn't at all mad for me dropping by without warning. He said he had been wanting someone to come by to help him out with some issues. I felt so great after leaving there that the entire rest of the bad day just sort of floated away and I was great. I loved my job and it was so rewarding after visiting 8 other accounts, that one account just made everything worth it.

The smallest things in life can change an entire emotion. Whether it be getting to a good account, having some students eat lunch with you, have someone simply be nice to you, or even have a stranger just smile to you on the street. I believe that the good things in life really do outweigh the bad. And if you can just hang out to those good moments and remember them when things seem so bad that you just want to quit, you will make it through, and be happy that you did. Life is a roller coaster. There are going to be so many ups and downs. Some really high ups and some really low downs. But in the end, its usually worth it. Just keep going, keep looking forward, and keep smiling because you never know when you could make someone Else's bad day, just turn around.

i think

i think...

i think people who judges someone without even knowing them are missing out on meeting some great people

i think being honest and fessing up to when you make a mistake will make you a much more respectable person

i think people who can't stand to be alone will never really be able to appreciate a relationship

i think people who don't learn from every single experience is missing out on so much wisdom

i think people who have to try to be liked... are trying to like themselves

i think people who find peace in chaos have the right idea

i think that people who are obsessed with being perfect will never be happy because perfection doesn't exist

think that the values of our society are completely ridiculous.... and i'm a victim of them

i think that people who stay in the same place forever are missing out on a world of opportunities

i think having an open mind is the most important trait

i think i'd love to be in love

i think that people who don't value their friendships, don't even value themselves

i think that i love people who look like they are carrying a wonderful secret

i think normalcy is a terrible word and should never be spoken

i think television can destroy your mind... i think it destroyed mine

i think that i want to experience every single part of life to the greatest extent possible

i think that i have a lot to learn.....

i think too much. Sometimes it gets me in trouble, sometimes it helps me to be sane, sometimes i think that i over think things. Sometimes life really doesn't make sense. Sometimes other people don't make sense to me. Sometimes, i realize... or other people help me to realize that I can't be concerned with other peoples lives... and that my life is the one i should concentrate on. Sometimes i wish i could make sense of everything... and then i realize that i can't and so i can only make sense of my life and my own thoughts and myself and how i want to live. What i want to value, and what i want out of life. from sex and the city "The most challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. and if you find someone to love the you, you love, well that's just fabulous."