Life is too short.

I'm leaving for japan in 2 days.... I'm overly excited, but a lot has also happened this past week that i can't help but be stressed out as well. i'm trying to finish my work, i'm trying to clean my house, i'm trying not to be stressed and anxious but i can't help it.
My grandfather is in the hospital and i'm worried that something will happen when i'm away. My mom has told me that she won't tell me until i get back if anything does happen. I'd like to be here for him, even though i can't. My friend got hit by a car. Probably a drunk driver, but no one will ever know, because they hit him and then left him there until someone found him in the street after. He is going to be okay, but it is going to be a long recovery. He has a fractured skull, fractured spine, fractured pelvis. How does that happen? How can one day your life be completely okay and not the next? How can someone hit a person and then just leave, like it was nothing? How do you live with yourself after that? I guess it really does tell you that life is too short. Life is too short to not live every day to its fullest. Life is too short to not tell everyone you love that you love them. Life is too short to hate. Life is too short to stay angry at someone. Life is too short to hold grudges. Life is too short to not learn how to move on, apologize and stay friends with the people who care about you. Life is just too short, because you never know what can happen.
I'm praying for my grandfather. I'm praying for chris to have a strong recovery. I'm praying for andrea and his family to stay strong during this hard time. I'm praying for all of my family and friends to know how much i love them no matter what.
I'm going to japan in a couple of days because life goes on. At least thats what i've been told.... i'm going to try and enjoy myself as much as i can and pray and hope that everyone is going to be okay.

thinking out loud

I absolutely love being with my friends. They all mean the world to me. i honestly think that our group of friends is the greatest. i think that we all have the best relationships. we all seem to get each other very well, we all care about each other so much. I knew the weekend would be fun regardless, mainly because we try our best to never complain and always make the best out of every situation. I think my favorite night was Saturday night when we all went to the boardwalk to ride go-carts and the roller coaster then to waste money on stupid carnival games. What could be more fun than spending time laughing with your friends?? Of course it would have been 10 times more fun if more people we able to come, but they couldn't and they were definitely there in spirit. Well, I'm not going to bore you with every detail of our trip we drank, went to the beach, ate food, played games... we had fun TOGETHER which is the most important.

I'm heading off to japan in a little more than one week. Right now i'm extremely stressed out. My house is a mess, after only a week ago it was perfectly spotless! but, thats what happens when you have house guests. Andrea came last week and we had the best time ever, lauren and i slightly corrupted her and it was amazing! Well, I just got back home from new jersey and it looks like my house exploded, I'm exhausted and in no mood to clean, but i'm going to have to try because for the next three days i will be in syracuse for work. After that its the weekend and i have to go out with lacy since she is moving away, clean, pack and then finish up some more work and i'm off to japan. Do you see what i mean when i say i'm extremely stressed out?? its only monday and i feel like the week is going by way to fast. As a matter of fact i have felt like that for the past few weeks. I've been so busy, time is just going by too fast for me to get any kind of grasp on it. I'm working hard to get everything settled for japan, get all my questions answered before i leave and make sure that i am fully prepared for the trip. I'm trying to figure out a way to pack the least amount of things possible so that i have plenty of room to take some stuff home with me. And besides all of that, i think sitting in this mess is enough to get me stressed out without all of the extra stuff added onto my life right now. maybe i should clean..... OR i could just lay down and relax since i know that won't be happening again for a while and deal with it later.

So, lately i've been thinking a lot about depression and how it affects people. I used to think that I was depressed, maybe i was and i was able to get over it, or maybe i was just sad a lot. I don't know how to tell the difference, it could have also been all of the different substances i was always on, but who knows. I feel like for a long time I was very unhappy with my life. I was uncomfortable in my own body and i was constantly trying to escape my life and reality, because i simply didn't like it. I didn't feel that i really had anything to live towards and i always felt like the world was against me. It seemed that the people in my life could have cared less because they weren't putting in the effort enough. it felt like nobody cared and all i wanted was for someone to. After going away to college my life changed dramatically. I'm still in awe at the person i've become, because i can see how much i've changed and grown since then. I try to understand how it all started and how my whole mindset and outlook on life changed. Because i don't necessarily think that it was my life that changed, it was me. I was able to overcome the negative thinking that i always used to do. I was able to overcome my insecurities and realize that those things really didn't matter. I'm not saying i'm always happy, but i'm also not always sad, and the most important thing is that when i am depressed or stressed or anxious, i know that it will eventually go away. I know that the smallest thing can change my mood at any given moment, its just a matter of dealing with it now and moving on with my life. I try to make the best out of any situation and always have a positive outlook no matter what. i don't worry about what other people are thinking and i don't worry what my friends if my friends care about me, because i know that they do. I have faith in that and to me thats good enough. No one really calls me, so i call them. No one really visits me, so i visit them. if i'm bored, then i go do something. if i'm sad, i'll do something that i know will make me happy. if i'm stressed, i sit down and find a way to de-stress. it takes effort to make your life okay, you just have to be willing to put in that effort. There is really no point in blaming other people for why your life the way it is because in reality you made your life this way and only you can change it.

So i guess the big question is how did this all happen? How did i suddenly become a different person?? can i tell you about me 5 years ago? Can i tell you that if i was bored i would continue to sit and be bored and probably then get depressed that i had nothing to do. it i was stressed i would cry and then get depressed about being stressed out. if i was sad, i would sit by myself and be depressed about no one making me happy. if my friends didn't call to hang out i would get depressed that none of them cared. I was shy, insecure, close minded, naive... i had no idea about anything and then one day i drastically changed. i don't know how it happened or why, but i'm definitely happier now. i'm content with my life and i know that things will be great. I know that even though this past year wasn't the best, doesn't mean the next year won't be. I know that if my friends don't call me or come to visit doesn't mean they don't care, it simply means they're lazy, so instead i'll call and visit them. I know that i am in control of my life and i can do whatever it is to make myself happy.

So now the question is what happens when the people you care about are depressed. Is there really anything you can do? I know that there probably wasn't anything anyone could do for me. I had to change for myself. I love my friends and my family more than anything else in the world, but its so hard to be around the negativity. Its hard to sit there with someone when all they have to do is complain about everything. Its hard to try and be there for someone and help someone when i know it will get no where. Its also hard to just let go of it all and realize that if they really want to change they will. It breaks my heart to see people that way and it breaks my heart to not be able to do anything about it. How can i change them? how can i get them to see that life really can be great if you want it to, that if you put the effort in you can do anything? How can i still be around them and be happy to spend time with someone, when deep down I really just don't want to. I care, but sometimes I just want it to go away. I hate feeling that way, I hate thinking that way, but i just can't help it. I guess there really is nothing left to do, but continue on with my life and concentrate on making myself happy.

North Carolina

I just got back from a really fun weekend in North Carolina. My cousin Brian was getting married, and since i looove weddings, I was all about this trip.. It took us about 1000 hours to drive down, but as soon as we got there i was ready to go out. Now, this was the first time i've been able to hang out with my cousins and be of legal drinking age, so i was more than ready for this trip. We get there and right away my cousin evan comes to pick me up and take me to the bar. We had a great night, i definitely got drunk and was able to catch up with my cousins and see what they've been up to the past few years. I spent the whole next day with my even older cousins who now have lots of little kids. We swam at the pool, hung out, and just caught up on everything. Later that night we had the rehearsal dinner. It started out as a great night everyone was eating and drinking, i finally got to meet the bride to be. I learned about a new drinking game called cornhole..... yeah only in the south will you find a game called cornhole. Anyways we drank we had fun it was a great time...... Come to find out the next morning that i had a lot more fun than i thought. Apparently we went out to the bar after the dinner and i thought i was in ny and was going to walk home.... yeah

Well, the wedding was beautiful... i had the greatest dress on!! i'm now home, back to work... Going to wildwood, nj in a couple of weeks and then to japan a couple weeks after that. i can't wait. it will definitely be good times all around~

Adventures at the stip club

So when you first start dating someone what else is a better date to take them on than a strip club??? i know, i know, you're thinking.. ummmm who does that???????? Well... I DO! Yes my friends I went on a date to the strip club last night. It was quite the adventure and I had an amazing time. Did I scare the guy off? That is a very good possibility.

The thing is, I'm used to people knowing who I am.. I'm used to people see me do crazy things and act like a crazy person, to me its just normal. When you go out into the real world and act that way... people just don't get it. They don't get me and they don't get that its completely normal to me. I'm 22 years old and the way I see it, I have at least 3 years left to act however I want to act and do whatever I want to do. I know that technically you're an adult when you reach 18, but is that really an adult? I don't think so, I've decided that I'm changing the legal age of being an adult to 25. I think thats a good solid number and it still gives me 3 more years of acting immature. Okay, so i know that you're wondering why i'm going off on this tyrant of acting immature and me wanting to go out and do whatever, so i'll tell you about my night.

I've been seeing this guy for a few weeks now, and its moving along nice. However, for those of you who don't know me, I get bored VERY easily. I simply can't keep doing the same things over and over again so when opportunity arises, i take it. My friend kevin was coming into town and him, lauren, and i decide we would like to spend the night at the strip club. I decide to invite this guy along, just to spice things up i guess (you can only go out to dinner and have the same conversation over and over again for so long). Well, I have definitely cut back on my drinking this past year, but it still doesn't mean that i'm going act all calm and normal when i drink. No, i'm going to be the same wild and crazy girl you all knew at plattsburgh. and well, thats exactly what i was like. It would have been fine if it was just kevin and lauren because they are used to that and well lauren is just as crazy if not more... actually probably more. This guy wasn't drinking and basically just sitting there watching me drink, dancing and making out with lauren, making fun of the strippers, and basically running all over the place like a crazy girl. i had a blast, i haven't drank like that in a long time and it made me miss it! To top it off, another sales rep from usfoods was there!! Perfect. Now everyone can go about talking about the girl from Kraft who takes guys to strip clubs and dances erotically with other girls. Oh did I mention the strippers kept trying to get lauren and i to dance on stage with them.. to be honest... I probably would have done it, if mike wasn't there!! haha well, i had a great night, i miss those kind of nights a lot. They make me think of plattsburgh and all the fun i had up there. it makes me miss my friends a lot, and most of all... it makes me realize that we are only young once... why grow up so fast? I have the rest of my life to act mature and settle down, why start now???

Foodshow Frenzy

This past month was a busy one for sure. I was travelling on the road a lot, doing food shows, meeting new customers, working more with the sales reps. I felt great to finally be doing work and having an impact on my company. I thought I would share with you what exactly i've been up to these past few weeks and how my job is going....

People always ask me, what exactly do you do? Well i'm here to tell you. Officially I am a customer sales representative with Kraft Food service Global North America Division. What does that job entail?? Let me explain. You go to a restaurant, cafeteria, coffee shop, whatever it may be where you are being served your food (hence food service). You sit down enjoy your meal, not wondering how everything comes together so nicely to be delivered to your plate. (I know this because I never wondered or even thought about how the food got to my plate.) Well here it is..... The customer we'll call it Julie' Restaurant just opened and needs a menu. In order to get a menu she needs food. Where does the food come from? A distributor, we'll call it JC Foods. What is a distributor? A distributor is a big place that holds tons of food products as well everything a restaurant may need, from plates, paper towel, napkins, toilet paper, etc. The distributor then "distributes" these items to customers that need them. And where do they get the food from? Kraft, along with thousands of other companys sell their products to the distributor, these companies are known as vendors. There are tons of distributors all over Big ones and small ones all fighting for the same business; Julie's Restaurant. Every week shes has a Sales Rep from JC Foods coming into her restaurant to take down the orders for the following week. She needs to take into consideration what she needs to have restocked, if she wants any specials, if she wants to change the menu and add something new, whatever it may be this sales rep from JC Foods will help her with.

Where do I come in in all of this? Well Kraft is a vendor that sells their products to Distributors all over the country such as JC Foods... For example on the retail side Kraft will pay money to keep their products on the shelf (if they are not on the shelf, then customers can't buy them). In foodservice, its pretty much the same story, Kraft pays JC Foods money to stock their products. With this money we are entitled to attend all of the JC Foods sales meetings, where we can then train their sales reps on our products and then motivate them (offering them prizes, etc.) to sell our products. With that comes food shows. Food shows are held twice a year (spring and fall) and are basically a big event for the customers (Julie's Restaurant) to come and see whats out there, get new ideas, get special deals and pricing, and eat a lot of free food. Along with the sales meetings and foodshows, I will also do "ride withs." Ride withs are basically when I ride a long with the Sales rep from JC Foods to each of their customers that day. As I ride along, I am introduced to the customer and I can then show them my products and tell them what I have to offer. Hopefully, out of the ride withs I will make an impact on the customer to buy Kraft products and also develop a relationship with the sales rep to have him/her sell Kraft products. Basically, its all about building those relationships!!!

So far, thats my job. That is what I've been doing the past few months non-stop. Theres a lot more too it as well, things like trackers and paperwork etc. but I don't need to get into that. I will also be working with more contracts and things like that, but I'm still learning and it takes time!!! So, in a nutshell, that is what I do with my time everyday. Everyday is something different and everyday I meet someone new. I love it, I'm still trying to remember everyones name or at least their face, i still have a long way to go, but I've also come a long way since December!!! Things are looking up, I just have to keep working hard and keep going to prove that I have what it takes to one day be president of Kraft!! (haha maybe thats just a dream, but a girl can dream!!!)

One Year

It has officially been one year exactly. One year ago today I was walking in graduation, receiving my diploma... i was officially DONE. It felt good, no great actually. I was happy, nervous, scared, excited... one million emotions all mixed into one. I was crying my eyes out wondering how i could ever survive without my friends by my side. I was nervous about where my life would go and what i would be doing. i was excited about FINALLY being done with school forever. i was a college graduate and officially entering into the 'real world' and my life as an adult. One year has passed and really what can i say? Right now, my life is perfect. I feel like i have everything. i feel like my transition into becoming into an adult is truly beginning to happen. i can see myself changing and growing up more and more each day. i'm completely loving every minute of it.

People sometimes ask me how i ended up doing so well. The thing is, i worked very hard to get to where i am right now. for the past four years i worked my ass off, not only to improve intellectual knowledge and expanding my mind. But i also worked at improving myself. Four years ago, i was the most unhappy person in the world. i was miserable. That's it. Nothing that happened could have changed the way i saw/viewed my life. I thought that running away from my life would magically make everything better. I thought that by going away to college and starting over new, would make everything okay. I guess in a sense it did, but it also didn't exactly happen so magically. i was still miserable. I was still unhappy. i was still a lost little girl with no sense of direction whatsoever. I quickly learned that i needed a change. That i wanted to be happy, that i wanted to lead a perfect life. The lesson i learned is that perfection is only an image of what you make it out to be. Your life can be perfect no matter where you are as long as you view it that way. If you stop wanting things to happen and start loving what you already do have, then your life will be perfect. its that simple.

I worked hard for the past 5 years to live the perfect life. Or to simply enjoy my life no matter what. You can work towards goals... but if you don't enjoy the ride there, then the goal won't even be worth it. All through college i met some of the most amazing people in the world. Some people who were just so different from what i was used to. In high school everyone was the same. Everyone tried to be the same... and well i guess i just wasn't the same. Once i got to college and became introduced to so many different and unique people, i finally felt like i truly belonged. I never had to try and act a certain way. i never had to impress anyone. i never had to work at being friends with people and keeping those friendships. Everything pretty much just flowed into place. and most of all, i was able to be myself. I was comfortable with being myself because for the first time i saw that it was okay. I saw that i was a unique individual with a great personality. I saw that my friends no matter how different they were from me, all seemed to get along so well. I saw that differences in people whether it be clothes, opinions, hobbies... really doesn't matter as long as you can sit, laugh, have a great time together. I gained so much confidence over four years that one year ago today... i truly felt ready. i felt that i could take on anything. for the first time in my life i was confident in my life. i was confident in everything. i knew that i would end up okay. i knew that everything would work out exactly the way it was supposed to.

Well, here i am. a year has gone by and it felt like a lifetime. I can't say that this was the easiest year of my life. There were a lot of struggles, a lot of disappointments, a lot of hardships and rough times, but in the end it was all worth. Those moments when you are at your worst, i truly feel that they make you into a stronger person. i feel that they help boost you into becoming a better person, as long as you are able to look at the situation and learn from it. In my final job interview (the one that got me the best job in the world!) I was asked what was your biggest failure? I thought about it, i thought really hard and i simply responded "I don't believe in failure because i think that in any situation whether it be good or bad you can ultimately learn from it. You can grow from it, you can take what went wrong and find a way to make it better. You can find a way to better yourself, and to me, any situation that you take something out of and grow from is a success..." Maybe that's what got me the job... who knows but either way i'm grateful for everything that I have in my life right now. I still have sooo much that I want to accomplish, but i'm in no hurry, because i have faith that whats meant to be will always find a way and i know now, that i'm strong enough to take on any challenge and overcome it the best way that i can. I don't see failure in my future, i see a lot more successes and i can't wait for them.

too much to think about....

In 66 days i will be in Japan. I couldn't be more excited. I've been wanting to travel for so long now and i'm finally getting that chance. Lately i've been thinking about my friends and all the things that they are doing and all the places that have been going to. I always try not to regret anything in life, because i know that everything happens for a reason and i truly do believe in fate. But sometimes its hard to look back and realize the things that I gave up. All the chances i've had to travel that I simply let pass me by.

When i first came to college, i told myself I was going to study abroad. i wanted to go to Australia. I wanted to study there for a semester and travel all over the lands. However, due to other circumstances, roommates and boyfriends and signing leases for apartments i never got to go. Maybe i didn't try hard enough, maybe deep down i was too scared, who knows. Then when i saved up enough money to backpack through europe for a month, i somehow spent every penny a few months before i went. i blew my chance to go that summer on having fun for a month over winter break. Sometimes I wish I had just done the things i wanted to when i wanted to, but life kept getting in the way.

I'm not saying its completely a loss, because I had an amazing time in college every semester i was there and i made some amazing friends. When i look back now, there isn't any semester that i would wanted to have given up for anything because of the wonderful memories that I made. And as for backpacking through europe that summer? well if i did that I wouldn't have went on one million interviews and been a master at interviewing, I may not have even landed the job with Kraft. I wouldn't have worked at boscovs, I wouldn't have met jess, and I wouldn't have spent so much time with lacy everyday and had so much fun. None of that would have happened. And while I do realize that this past summer wasn't the best, there were a lot of hard times and difficult times. It was all worth it to me now. Maybe giving up those things gave me the life I have now, which is simply amazing. And I still do have those chances to travel, i'm only 22 and i have my entire life ahead of me, its just hard watching everyone else do the things i've always wanted to do as well.

On another note, I was reading my friends blog and she was discussing American values compared to those in Vietnam and Thailand. How the media has such an influence on our lives. How over there, they live in the present and worry only about today rather than tomorrow. Why am i so obsessed with the future? why am I constantly wondering how i can save up money for later? why am i always thinking about how my life will be years down the road? why do i dream of a wedding when i don't even have a boyfriend? why am i planning what my house will look like later when i have a house all to myself right now? WHY am i always so concentrated on the future and what I want to do and how I want to live and where and whatever else i'm constantly thinking of??? What makes me think this way. Maybe its because when I jogging through my neighborhood i'm surrounding by perfect houses with white picket fences. Maybe its because i'm always watching tv and seeing a life that i will never live because its fake. Maybe its because there are simply too many things in life that i desire that don't really need. Maybe i need to concentrate on what i do have right now and simply be happy with it. I'm not saying that I'm not happy with my life right now, because i am, i'm VERY happy. But, i'm always thinking of how to make my life better. i'm always thinking about what i can do now to have a better future. Is this important in life? Do we need to concentrate so much on the future? Or should we be living in the present and not worry about it? Is there any balance to it all? and most of all, why am i even trying to plan for a future when its impossible to know what the future entails? Things always change and nothing ever works out the way you expect it to, so then why plan? why worry? why think about the future when the future you have in mind may end up completely opposite from what you expect?????

i think too much and sometimes things get to me. I feel like i need some kind of reasoning to it all and i don't know where to get it from.. Or maybe, just maybe i'm bored because all i do is work and i miss my friends. Maybe there is a simple solution to it all and thats getting out more, because the weather is nice and the winter is over and its time to get out and do something more exciting with my life. Maybe i'm just a little on the crazy side today, but hey thats happens to the best of us. ok. Good night.